I'm Very Much Done with PFOX

This is a reflection that I wrote for my media class about the documentary which a partner and I spent the last three months working on (with some of the most boring parts cut out). I planned to write something a little more interesting this week, but it just didn't work out. Sorry about that. This post relates to my previous post about PFOX. If you care to look at it. 

I worked with Brianna to create a documentary about the organization Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays and Gays or PFOX. PFOX is an organization that advocates for the rights of people who identify as ex-gay, in other words, people who have gone through reparative therapy or other processes and believe that they are no longer gay. It is, in theory, made up of people who are the parents and friends of those who identify as either ex-gay or gay. 

I suggested this topic because last year, PFOX handed out fliers at Blair, explaining their message in extremely convoluted language that really boiled down to “you don’t have to be gay”. As a teenager who is an active member of Blair’s Gay-Straight alliance and who identifies as a member of the LGBTQA community, I was personally offended by the fliers. At the time, I did a fair amount of research on PFOX, but when presented with the opportunity to make a documentary, I hoped I could find out more about their perspective. 

We originally set out to write an impartial piece about what PFOX was and what it stood for. Because of their refusal to talk to us, the piece became much more biased, ultimately being about the inconsistencies and intolerance within the group.

I don’t regret picking PFOX as the topic of the documentary; however, I did find it a frustrating topic. I’m not sure that there is much left to explore about PFOX. There isn't that much information about them to be found. Their is really only two very polarized versions of their story to be found. One by them and those who agree with them, and one by those who are very strong supporters of LGBTQ rights. No one else seems to care enough to pay much attention to them. 

I think that the choice of topic shapes the whole documentary project. Our topic turned out to be about a subject who refused to talk to us and about which there wasn't that much information or b-roll to be found. Because of this, our final product was very different from that of a group whose subject was willing to be interviewed and who had plenty of sources of b-roll. 

One of the most surprising things that I learned from this project is how small the organization PFOX really is. When I began this project, I knew that they had sued Montgomery County repeatedly and had a history of handing out their fliers to different schools. Based on that, I assumed that they were a large and well established organization with a big membership. What became abundantly clear as I worked on this documentary is that PFOX was actually a tiny organization and most likely just a front for the Family Research Council to reach out to schools.

My group faced many challenges in this project, from technical difficulties (we had to try five computers before we finally found one that worked, one of our interviews got deleted, our computer wound up being used to film the school play and went missing for a few class periods, etc.) to issues with final cut (some of our audio clips were individually locked and it took us a couple of days to figure out how to fix it) to issues with the topic itself (PFOX refused to talk to us, there was lots of drama over whether PFOX would sue us, there was no footage available anywhere of anyone in PFOX doing anything but talking) to the fact that one of our group members dropped out of CAP halfway through the project. It was one of those projects in which everything that could possibly go wrong has gone wrong.

 I’d probably say that our biggest challenge was that PFOX was not an active organization who did much of anything, but was really just a website. Because of that, it was impossible to find b-roll footage of people who were a part of PFOX doing anything besides talking. We tried to overcome this by using still frames and pictures; however, in my opinion, the lack of b-roll made our documentary less interesting.

In spite of all of the problems that we had throughout this project, I did enjoy myself and I did learn a lot, both about PFOX and about the documentary making process. The subject of the ex-gay movement as a whole and groups which oppose homosexuality is one which interests me immensely. Although I completely disagree with their beliefs, I am of the opinion that the best way to counter beliefs with which you disagree is to learn more about the root of those beliefs and the people who hold them. This project has given me the opportunity to do that to a depth which I most likely would not have otherwise. In addition, this project was the first time that I felt somewhat confident in using Final Cut and editing. Overall, although this wasn't the smoothest of processes, I do think that it was beneficial to my experience in CAP.

I Just Want to go to Sleep

This year, Insomnia has taken over my life. In case anyone doesn't know what insomnia is, it's a sleeping disorder. According to National Institute of Health (NIH), "People with insomnia have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, or both." Insomnia can be acute (short term) or chronic (ongoing). Acute insomnia lasts for days or weeks and is generally caused by stressful situations. Chronic insomnia lasts for a month or longer. Chronic insomnia is generally a secondary disorder, the symptom of other problems. In rare cases, one could also have primary insomnia, in which case it is a disorder unto itself as opposed to a symptom.

I suffer from chronic insomnia as a secondary disorder to anxiety. Most days I wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back asleep. Some nights I lay awake for two hours at a time or more. At times, I am also unable to initially fall asleep.

Insomnia is a pain for anyone. It's never fun not being able to sleep. But when you're in high school, it's especially problematic. As a high schooler, most kids are already not getting anywhere near the suggested 8-9 hours of sleep. Realistically, we're all sleep deprived. On a school night, I normally go to bed between 10:30 and 11:30 and get up between 5:25 and 5:35. Based on time frame, if I were to fall asleep immediately and not wake up until the alarm went off, I would still be getting only seven hours and five minutes of sleep. But with the insomnia, there's some nights when I get closer to five hours of sleep and some nights when I only get four. That's half the recommended sleep for people my age. Everyone has some days when they only get that much sleep because they were up late studying or writing an essay, but for me, this is a regular occurrence.

As you might imagine, getting such little sleep takes away one's ability to function in daily life. This year is a ton of work for everyone in CAP. Sleeping for four hours, getting up, and having to go to school and take a test or write an in-class essay is terrible. According to NIH, "Insomnia can cause daytime sleepiness and a lack of energy. It also can make you feel anxious, depressed, or irritable. You may have trouble focusing on tasks, paying attention, learning, and remembering. These problems can prevent you from doing your best at work or school." Well no duh. Without sleep, it's nigh impossible to listen or focus on what a teacher is saying. I have a hard time formulating coherent sentences when speaking out loud, so one could imagine that writing is difficult. My vocabulary diminishes. There's a feeling of complete blankness when I try to remember certain things that I know I should know, and yet without sleep my mind is unable to come up with the information. And this is not a way that I feel once in while, I feel this way a lot of the time. 

The thing is, my lack of sleep is not from lack of trying. When I get four hours of sleep it's not because I had to stay up late to do something. Saying to someone with insomnia "Wow, you need to get more sleep!" or "You need to try to sleep more," or "Just go to sleep," is not at all helpful. That's not how it works. If I could get more sleep, I would. Believe me, it's not like I regularly get four or five hours of sleep just for kicks.

There are some ways to treat insomnia. Some strategies for dealing with insomnia

• Establish a daily routine. Adding regularity to your bedtime routine by getting ready for bed at a specific time and in a specific order can help to fall asleep and stay asleep. (this is hard to do, given the erratic homework load of CAP, but I'm trying)
• Stay away from electronics before bed. The light from the electronics messes up your sleep pattern. Ideally, you should stop using electronics an hour before you go to sleep. Realistically, with homework, this doesn't happen for me, but it's a good idea.
• Learn techniques to calm your mind. When I wake up, part of the reason that I can't fall back asleep is that my mind is racing. This is common among insomniacs. Methods to calm the mind include meditation, counting backwards from one hundred, and playing a word game in which you think of an animal for each letter of the alphabet. The idea is that these techniques help to calm and focus the mind so that you can eventually clear you mind and go back to sleep.
• Herbal remedies. There are certain herbs such as valerian, chamomile, passion flower, and hops which  are supposed to help one fall and stay asleep. These can be taken in the form of teas, tinctures, pill capsules, and liquids. 
• Exercise. Exercise is important to stay healthy and it is helpful to tire out your body and calm your mind. Exercise can also help to balance hormones which, in turn, can help you to sleep.
• Listen to tapes or music. This can be calming and relaxing.
• In extreme cases, sleeping medication. If you have chronic insomnia, your doctor may prescribe medication to help you sleep. The thing to remember about sleeping medications are that while they may help you to sleep, they often have negative side effects and some can be addictive. 

So yeah, that's pretty much it. Please try to be understanding if someone you know has insomnia and they're having a hard day. Remember, don't give them a hard time for not sleeping. Just be sympathetic. 

Photo link:  http://www.flickr.com/photos/unlistedsightings/2224943329/

Happy Purim and Why I Don't Like King Achashverosh

Happy (late) Purim! For those of you who don't know what Purim is, I shall explain. Purim is a Jewish holiday which falls on the 14th day of Adar (on the Jewish calendar, which is lunar), and falls on the 24th of February this year. Purim revolves around the story of the Book of Esther, or the Megillah. People dress up in costumes and eat hamantaschen (triangle shaped cookies with fruit filling) and give each other baskets of treats called mishloach manot. 

Here's the story of Purim:

Once, there was a king called Achashverosh who was rather fond of excess. One day, King Achashverosh held a seven day feast for the princes of the 127 provinces of his kingdom. On the seventh day, the king was pretty drunk and was showing off, so he called for his wife, Queen Vashti to be brought before him in her royal crown (the rabbis take this to mean in only her royal crown) to show off her beauty. The Queen refused to come, so, upon the advice of his royal advisers, the king banished her. 

Then the king decided that he needed a new queen. He ordered that all the young women of his kingdom be presented before him so that the could choose a new queen (basically an old fashioned beauty pageant). One of these women was Esther, the niece of Mordechai. Esther was Jewish, as was Mordechai. The king took a liking to Esther and decided to make her he new queen. Before Esther married the king, Mordechai told Esther no to reveal that she was Jewish. 

At this point, there's a whole side story in which Mordechai discovers an assassination plot against the king and reports it, saving the kings life, but that's not really important to the story.  

Anyway. The king had an evil adviser named Haman (everyone boos whenever Haman's name is mentioned during the telling of the story). Haman was the most powerful of the king's advisers and everyone bowed down to him when he walked by. Everyone that is, except Mordechai. Mordechai said that he couldn't bow down to Haman because he was Jewish, and Jews could only bow down to their god. 

Haman decided that this was absolutely unacceptable, and that as payback, he would have all the Jews killed. He talked to the king, got his permission to write a proclamation about it, and cast lots ("purim" in Hebrew) to pick the day of the executions. 

Mordechai, understandably upset by this proclamation, sent a letter to Esther telling her that she had to save her people. Esther wasn't big on the idea because it involved her going to talk to the king without being summoned (a crime punishable by death). But in the end, she went. She invited the king and Haman to a feast. At the feast, she revealed to the king that she was Jewish and that Haman was going to have her people killed. The king was appalled, sentenced Haman to death, replaced him with Mordechai, and issued a new proclamation allowing the Jews to fight back against the people trying to kill them. 

And they all lived happily ever after. The end.

Now then, the thing that bothers me about this story is King Achashverosh. When young children, or really any children, are taught about Purim, he is referred to as "the silly king" or "the foolish king". The thing is, if you take a look at what King Achashverosh actually does in the story, there's nothing silly or foolish about him at all.

Lets start at the beginning. The king sends for the queen to show her off (because he's showing off his other property) and he orders her to come, according to the rabbis, in only her crown. Hm. Nice guy. I understand that customs were different at that point of time, but no matter how you look at it, it's rather demeaning to be ordered to present yourself in a room full of drunk men wearing nothing at all. 

And then, when she refuses to come, he decides to find a new queen because the queen must be obedient. Through this decision, he ruins Vashti's life. At that time, women were not considered to have any worth without their husbands (I'm not saying that this was a good thing, but that's how it was), so Vashti was left disgraced, with no way to provide for her self, and no hopes of finding a new husband.  

I also find it interesting that no blame at all is put on Achashverosh for the decree to kill all of the Jews. Sure it was Haman's idea, but it's not like Achashverosh didn't know about it or was tricked into it. The text makes it clear that they had a nice discussion and Achashverosh agreed that it was a fine idea for all the Jews to be killed. He just left it up to Haman to iron out the details. Funny how this is always glossed over in the retelling of the story.

So yeah, King Achashverosh wasn't a particularly silly or foolish. He seemed to know exactly what he was doing and he made some terrible decisions. I also find the language choice somewhat worrisome. When I learned about what King Achashverosh actually did, I learned about in the context of, "this is not an okay way to treat women, King Achashverosh did the wrong thing". The issue is, a lot of Jewish kids wouldn't learn about it that way. I worry that kids will learn what King Achashverosh did and associate that with the fact that he was silly or foolish. The connection would then be that his actions were just silly, nothing to worry about. In my opinion, that's not an okay connection to make.


On that note, I'll leave you with a song by the Maccabeats about Purim. Enjoy!

Look Before You Leap

A couple of weeks ago, I came across a post online which informed me that people were trying to get a law passed in Georgia which would allow gay students to be expelled from public schools. I was rather surprised by the post because a) I'm generally pretty up to date on this type of thing and I hadn't heard about it at all and b) there's been enough negative publicity about Tennessee's "don't say gay" bill that I would have assumed that  this would have been added onto that.

Anyway, the post, which had gotten tons of notes of support and reblogs, linked to a petition, so I went there to see if there was any more information. The petition still didn't have a particularly coherent explanation. It made said that over 100 schools in Georgia don't allow gay students and that these schools were receiving public funding. The petition, if anything, confused me more, as it sound as though different Georgia schools had different policies with regards to whether gay students would be expelled.  At the bottom of the petition, there was a link to a New York Times article, so I clicked that in hopes that the article would explain what in the world was going on.

What I learned in reading the article was that the schools involved in this are private schools. And that changes everything. Basically, what's happening is that in Georgia, state money is being used for scholarships to private schools, some of which don't allow gay students. And see, that's a completely different story. Georgia public schools banning gay students and Georgia giving money to private schools some of which ban gay student are two very different things.

Now I'm not saying that I agree with these schools' policies at all. Personally, I think that the policies are awful. But that's part of private school, they get to make their own rules about this type of thing. And if they're a religious school who wants to make rules about gay students attending their school, that's their prerogative. Whether the government is allowed to fund scholarships to these schools is a question of constitutionality and separation of church and state stuff, and honestly, I don't know if it's allowed or not.

My main point is, please look before you leap into something on the internet. The fact that the post stating that Georgia public schools planned to ban gay students was reblogged over 40,000 times is concerning. It's awesome that that many people were up in arms about the idea, but the amount of ignorance that people displayed there, supporting something without even knowing what they were really supporting is not a good thing at all.

It also showed a basic lack of logic and understanding of politics. If you think about it, the whole thing really wouldn't make sense because, first of all,  where would a gay student go if they got expelled? Wouldn't they have to go to school in a different state? And second of all, the sodomy laws in Georgia were struck down by courts, so why would a state a state in which its not illegal to be gay now allow their students to be gay?

On top of that, the fact that the poorly articulated petition got over 50,000 signatures is concerning. If you were to read the petition, you would think that the petition was being sent to the head of the Department of Education (who isn't the appropriate person to send it to at all, by the way), when in fact, upon closer examination, it is being sent to the Georgia State Schools Superintendent (who is a more appropriate person to send it to). Basically, this petition was super vague and misleading and still managed to get 50,000 signatures.

This ties into something much bigger. With the increased ability to organize and spread awareness through the internet, comes the increased possibility that your true message will get mixed up with misinformation or lost completely along the way. Now that people can show their support with just a click of their mouse, they don't even bother to understand what they're supporting. People need to be careful to make sure that they know what it is that they're supporting instead of blindly supporting a cause which may or may not really exist. With increased access come an increased responsibility to check things out before we jump onto the bandwagon.

Why Group Work Doesn't Always Work

Right now, I'm really fed up with group work. We do a lot of group work in CAP; it's part of the program. I suppose that the reason that we do so much group work is that CAP is a communications based program and it's important to learn to work with others. The thing is, group work doesn't often work out all that well.

First of all, often times, teachers will tell students that they are allowed to form their own groups, but that they should work with people who they don't usually work with or someone who is interested in doing a similar idea, as opposed to their friends. Anyone who has ever been a student can tell you that that doesn't actually happen. As soon as a teacher says that students are allowed to pick their own groups, students start looking around, making eye contact with their friends, with that subtle head cock and nod that means, "lets work together". The second part of the teacher's statement either completely goes unheard, or is met with an eye roll and then ignored. Teachers notice  patterns of student behavior in their classrooms, so I'd be surprised if they didn't notice this; however, this never seems to change.

Fine. I'm not saying that I want teachers to assign groups for every project. But I don't understand the point of making the statement if both teachers and students know that it isn't actually going to effect the makeup of the groups. I'm also not saying that I don't like working with my friends. I enjoy it as much as anyone else. But if the whole point of group work is to learn to work with diverse and different groups of people, it doesn't really make sense to always work with the same group when given the opportunity.  Also, if this is the goal of the teachers, it doesn't make sense that they allow this dynamic to exist unaddresed. 

Another big issue that I have with group work is the distribution of work within the group, which is very rarely equal. Often, one member of the group will wind up doing most or all of the work on a group project. I think that most of us have probably been in both the position of the person doing all of the work and the person doing very little work at one point or another.  Being in the position of the former is extremely frustrating. The whole point of a group project is that the teacher is asking students to do something that is not meant to be done alone, either because it's too big to do alone or because students are meant to learn something from each other. Teachers base the amount of time given to do a project on the assumption that the work load will be shared between students.When one student has to do all of the work, the project loses a lot of it's meaning. In addition, the project becomes an unfair burden on that student's time. For example, in a group of three, the student who does most of the work often winds up spending three times the amount of time expected of one student because they have to carry the burden of their peers work as well. 

 I'm also not saying that this always happens. Sometimes groups are very well balanced. From what I've observed, on of the reasons that friends consistently work together is that work gets distributed more fairly among friends, or if one person winds up with all the work, it is more because they are willing to do it and less because no one else is. 

In CAP, we all have a lot of work right now. The work load is pretty overwhelming as it is. So when you have to do not only the work assigned to you, but also the work of others in a group, it's just ridiculous. I think that ultimately, we all benefit when everyone does their fair share. 

What it's Like to Live in Takoma Park/Silver Spring: Cheder

So the assignment here started out being  to make a movie about what it was like to live in Silver Spring, but we were given a lot of leeway on how we wanted to do that, so I decided to focus more specifically on my Jewish community. As the video says, I'm a member of a parent taught Hebrew school. I've talked about it a little in my previous post about my bubble.

 The parents in Cheder rage from Atheists to Jews to Christians, all of who want to give their children a Jewish education. Because of this, we get a more diverse perspective from our teachers than one would get at many other more conventional Hebrew schools.

I've been going to Cheder for ten years now. I am the only person left from my class (age group) at this point. After having a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, it is no longer required to come to Cheder, so everyone else my age has stopped coming. I continue to go to Cheder because I really enjoy the community it provides. For me, Cheder is a group of supportive families who I know will look out for and care about me. This year, because I don't have anyone else in my age group, I was given the opportunity to decide what I wanted to learn about, so I am studying women in the Torah, a topic which personally interests me.

The video shows clips of each of the classes at Cheder (except for the first and second graders).
The first class shown is leaning about Jewish immigration to America and specifically discussing the role that Jews played in the labor movement.
 The second class shown is learning about Sodom and Gomorrah. The teacher is explaining that the name of a character is not given in the text so one would have to look at the midrash (the rabbi's interpretation of the text.
The third class is of a Hebrew class in which the students are learning the colors.
The forth class is another Hebrew class in which students are discussing the vocabulary for objects around the classroom, specifically the word for floor (transliterated to reetzpah).

The audio from these clips is somewhat difficult to understand. Listening to it at a higher volume could be helpful.

More on Gender

So previously, I've written posts on my thought about gender. Just to reiterate, what I've said in those posts is basically that gender is really just a social construct, something created by the society in which we live to make distinctions between people that often don't really exist. In present day, this is a pretty radical view, but I'm not the only person who feels this way. I thought that today I'd highlight some artists and authors who express this same view.

First I'd like to talk about the song, "When I was a Boy", by Dar Williams.

Dar Williams is a folk singer. She writes songs about a variety of social issues, as well as her own experiences. I had the privilege to see her in concert at my sleep-away camp this summer. She explained that this song was about her experience as a "tomboy" when she was little. This song really captures the way in which gender is something forced on people by the society around them. The speaker in the song talks about having many traits, as a child, which are stereotypical assigned to a boy. As she grows up, she finds herself conforming to the societal expectations of a girl, yet she feels like she has lost something. She also feels like she can't share the way she was as a child with anyone. The same goes for the man who she speaks to at the end of the song.

I think that this song reflects the experiences of a lot of people. No one perfectly fits into the societal ideals for gender; however, our society places such a big emphasis on fitting into a gender (specifically, your biological sex) that people give up pieces of themselves to do so.

Next I'd like to talk about Andrea Gibson. Andrea Gibson is an amazing slam poet. Her poetry deals with gender, sexuality, class, bullying, and war, among other things. I'd like to specifically highlight her poem "Swing Set". The poem can be found on YouTube under the search "Andrea Gibson swing set"; however, the link isn't posted here due to language. Before you continue reading though, please watch the poem. 

This poem touches me in a way that I'm not sure that I can describe. I've definitely experienced some of that childhood curiosity myself, working at summer camps, and just being around kids. Last summer, I worked at a camp for a three week session. During the last week, one of the second graders who I had been working with every morning and afternoon for the full session came up to me and asked, "Are you a boy or a girl". A conversation very similar to the one described in Andrea's poem ensued. I got the same question from other campers, one of whom wouldn't talk to me or sit near me because she thought I looked like a boy. In various places, I'll catch a little kid, generally about three or four years old, looking at me and I'll smile at them or say hi. Sometimes, as they walk away, I'll hear, "Daddy, that boy was my friend" or "Daddy, that boy was nice, I like him." Their parents will glance back over their shoulder to look at me again, before giving their child an indulgent smile.

As she points out, it's the adults and older kids who care. In that moment when the parents glance back to look again at the teen who they didn't bother to really notice, there is a look of judgment on their faces that doesn't exist for their kid, as the parent wonders, "is that a boy or a girl". The bathroom incident that she describes has happened to me more than once. And the thing is I live in an extremely tolerant area. It's not like I'm bullied for looking the way that I do. A lot of people don't care at all. So if I still have to deal with some of what she describes in this poem in an area as liberal as the one in which I live, I can only imagine what it must be like for people who aren't as fortunate.

While I agree that (for the most part), young children don't care that much about whether you (as an older person or figure of authority) fit gender norms, at the same time children are extremely aware of gender. Although there is no judgment in the question or assumption that I am a boy, there still is an understanding of what girls and boys are supposed to be like and look like. This understanding, instilled in people at such an early age, has the potential to provide the basis for judgment and intolerance later in life. It also has an enormous effect on the way in which they live their own lives and change themselves to fit into this understanding.

Finally, there is Kate Bornstein, an author, playwright, and performance artist. Bornstein is best known for the books she's written on gender theory. Her books talk about gender as a social construct, moving beyond gender, and her personal experiences as first, a transsexual woman, and then as someone who does not identify with any gender. Bornstein's books discuss gender in a way that is frank, educational, and engaging.  I agree with a lot of what Bornstein says. She basically says what I'd like to say but in a better and more coherent way.  Bornstein has a gender workbook titled My Gender Workbook: How to Become a Real Man, a Real Woman, the Real You, or Something Else Entirely (which you can find if you search it on Google books). There isn't that much of it on Google books, but there is a gender aptitude quiz that I really suggest that you take. The quiz really gets you thinking about your own gender and how you relate to the concept of gender.